Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Nymphomaniac Review

whispers B (Sophie Kennedy Clark), best girlfriend to the highly sex-driven Joe (Stacy Martin). B is serious. Joe knows it’s a joke. As they traipse through their late adolescence having as much as sex as possible with willing men, a project that’s part camaraderie and occasionally a contest for the young women, B eventually falls away from Joe when sentimentality enters the realm of their non-stop conquest agenda. And Joe’s fine with this. She’s got more men to hunt down and subdue.

Adult Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) narrates this story after she’s found lying unconscious and bleeding in an alley by meek, intellectual Seligman (Stellan Skarsgard). He brings her home to his book-filled yet otherwise drab flat, gives her a cup of tea, puts her to bed to recover, then listens to her recount her development, from childhood to present injured state, as an unmediated "nymphomaniac." While she recounts the way sex has informed her philosophy, numbed her body, damaged her family, compensated her and pushed her past the diagnoses and interventions of outsiders, Seligman interrupts Joe to digress on analogous subjects like fly-fishing, musical theories of dissonance, Fibonacci numbers, the great East-West schism in the medieval Christian Church, weaponry, blasphemy and celibacy. He’s both the best and worst listener a compulsively sexual storyteller could ask for.

Joe’s men (Shia LaBeouf, Hugo Speer) come and go. A scorned wife (the monstrously wild Uma Thurman) crashes into it all for a quick minute to provide her three young sons with a good look at Joe’s

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Captain America: The Winter Soldier Review

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Ninetysomething and still faster than you, Steve Rogers/Captain America nevertheless encounters challenges specific to his unique circumstance. He’s adjusting to contemporary life by keeping a handwritten list of the American pop culture he missed during his Rip Van Winkle years.

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Dom Hemingway Review

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We meet master safecracker Dom Hemingway (Jude Law, beefed up and balding) naked, standing in a prison cell doorway, receiving sexual attention from another inmate. During this jailhouse power exchange, Dom motormouths the first of a film’s worth of ornate monologues, profane crime-speeches that feel like Guy Ritchie crashing an episode of Gilmore Girls. This particular rant is about the majesty of his own penis and it’s almost funny, much like Dom himself. Almost immediately afterward, Dom gets out of prison and, first order of business, sets about maiming the man who married his wife while he sat twelve years in the joint for not giving up his extremely dangerous boss (Demian Bechir, playing Russian, weirdly enough).

Over the next 100 minutes or so, writer-director Richard Shepard frames Law Danny Boyle-style, swooping and rushing and slow-motioning and hurling his loutish body through the air in car accidents set to operatic arias. Dom’s a sitcom Bronson, and his story of not-redemption is chopped into episodic chapters that, taken together, form a half-interesting character study of a criminal whose lack of self-awareness, cruelty, alcoholism, regret and cluelessness are matched only by his sheer dumb luck. As mishaps and bad decisions and manslaughters mount, the only shred of evidence that he's a human being and not a cartoon manufactured on a 3D printer is his mopey pining for the lost affection of his now-adult daughter (Emilia Clarke).

The downside to the glimmer of soul: it slows down Dom’s anti-goodness momentum. He’s an unapologetic bad man in a film that wants us to feel, at least when the

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Only Lovers Left Alive Review

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At this exact moment in pop culture history there is nothing more boring than being a vampire -- always tormented and misunderstood, always in a big fight with some other supernatural monster squad, always in love with the wrong non-vampire. Each new media incarnation feels the need to flip the script, forcing the blood-fueled into silly new mythologies about baseball and sunlight, enforcing the rigid code of model-hotness, desperately trying to make enough cultural noise and ignite the attention span of a weary, post-Twilight population.

Unless you’re Eve (Tilda Swinton) and Adam (Tom Hiddleston), that is, vampires under the directorial command of low-key/high-style weirdo Jim Jarmusch. Then everything is awesomer than Legos. Eve’s an impossibly chic jetsetter, turning heads as she stalks through nighttime Tangier. Adam’s a bit of a brooding art-hermit in the most bombed out part of Detroit. Together they’re into books (she can speed read all the languages), vintage guitars (he collects them and creates anonymous underground music highly sought after by sonic nerds), languorous sex, messy hairstyles, scratchy Wanda Jackson records, goofy disco videos on YouTube and sucking on blood popsicles that drop them slow-motionly into narcotic ecstasy. Eve scores

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Draft Day Review

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Will you get this movie's joke about Ryan Leaf? It’s fine if you don’t. I didn’t. I don’t follow football at all. My favorite Super Bowl was the one in 1996 when the Steelers played the Cowboys and I ignored it to go see Michael Mann’s Heat (helpful tip: always pick a dude movie on game day, you'll have the theater to yourself). And I’m from Texas and was living in Dallas at the time, so my resolve, as you can see, was strong. Of course, in all fairness to the Super Bowl, I also ignored the Academy Awards this year to go see an opera, so maybe I’m generally just not a joiner. But I do love North Dallas Forty (because it’s caustic), Big Fan (because Patton Oswalt is kind of heartbreaking in it), and Rudy (because I’m not made of stone).

Anyway, I had to Google poor, broken down Ryan Leaf to get the reference. But it was the only moment during the surprisingly decent Draft Day where I felt myself turn into a confused, head-cocked-to-one-side canine, and that’s good news for non-sport-minded moviegoers. It’s less a football film than a football-ish film, a fan-courting battle of wills starring the suits, scouts and CEOs who really run the show.

A little more than twelve hours are left until the NFL draft and Sonny Weaver (Kevin Costner, taking it easy), the general manager of the Cleveland Browns, is extremely busy. He has a losing streak on his hands and a strong desire to land incoming quarterback Bo Callahan (Josh Pence), the same college superstar every other team wants. Meanwhile, the Browns' own quarterback (Tom Welling) is demanding a chance to prove his worth; solid player Vontae Mack (Chadwick Boseman, 42’s Jackie Robinson) is begging to join the Browns himself; Sonny’s colleague Ali (Jennifer Garner) informs him that she’s pregnant with his baby and Sonny's mother (Ellen Burstyn, dominating her small amount of screen time like she’s trying to win her own Super Bowl ring) picks the worst possible moment to push Sonny into participating in a memorial for his estranged and recently deceased coaching legend father.

Frequently pushing Sonny’s personal life to the margins, director Ivan Reitman and screenwriters Scott Rothman and Rajiv Joseph focus on his desire for a respectable football legacy, as well as the power moves and cutthroat deals behind the draft’s scenes, all of which are infused with a healthy dose of ego from everyone involved. And that means a lot of extended sequences of people talking on the phone. And I mean a lot. To un-boring that less than cinematic situation as best he can, Reitman makes sure that characters are usually walking somewhere as they speak and that the frame is almost constantly wiping back and forth or split into halves and thirds like a masculinist Pillow Talk. You get used to it even if you never stop noticing its gimmicky presence.

Comparisons to the darker, superior Moneyball are inevitable, as are complaints about the film’s eager willingness to sidestep a lot of the uglier corporate aspects of professional sports. But that was never on this story's mind in the first place. It just loves the game. So call it wishful and idealistic and nobody will really mind; it lives in a fan-loving universe where goodness and team spirit are legitimate currency and underdogs get a real shot, kind of like if Rudy grew up to study stats and negotiate salary caps.

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Rio 2 Review

that’s close enough.

A sequel to something like this just needs more stuff packed into it. So more stuff is packed into Rio 2, both the good and the you’ll-never-remember-it. Domesticated book-learnin’ Blu (the voice of Jesse Eisenberg) and his wife Jewel (Anne Hathaway) now have three baby birds of their own, live in a nice house, and know how to make pancake batter as well as how to operate spatulas, which is, I suppose, a step up from a diet of regurgitated worms. Naturally, this sort of suburban comfiness can only generate malaise, and that prompts the entire family to fly back into the wild. There they discover a huge flock of Blue Macaws like themselves, presided over by Jewel’s long lost father (Andy Garcia), a Great Santini-esque alpha male who never misses an opportunity to remind Blu that he’s soft.

The good-hearted, endangered species-minded humans from the last film (Rodrigo Santoro, Leslie Mann) hunt for their "lost" bird-friends, an illegal logging operation (

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Oculus Review

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, are you the mysterious malevolent entity that instigated a cruel spiral of madness, emotional disintegration, torture, murder, gross fingernail stuff, and the populating of our sweet upper middle class home with laser-eyed phantoms, or are you just the repository of transferred childhood psychological trauma and, sincerely, just some old mirror?

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Joe Review

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There are, as you may be aware, two Nicolas Cages. One of them is a respected actor who won an Academy Award. The other, it can be assumed, wants nothing more than to direct and star in a film where Bigfoot and She-Hulk battle a Cambodian drug cartel run by a Satanic coven. Some people consider that a case of divided loyalties at best, career sabotage at worst; I think it’s just the man’s way of keeping his life interesting. In any case, when Cage’s two selves collide you wind up with performances like his unjustly overlooked brilliance in Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call

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Heaven Is For Real Review

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When Colton Burpo (played here by cherubic newcomer Connor Corum) was four years old, his appendix ruptured and he nearly died. On the operating table he experienced what he describes as Heaven. Not only did he go there, he met his great grandfather, as well an unnamed sister lost to miscarriage. According to Colton’s father, minister Todd Burpo (Greg Kinnear), who eventually wrote a book about the boy’s experience, Colton couldn’t have possibly known about these things. Whether or not any of this actually happened is something only the Burpo family knows. For the purposes of this review let’s say it’s all true.

Let’s also say that Heaven Is For Real Ministries, as the Burpo’s ongoing business concern is known, one involving the book’s translation into over 30 languages, a traveling show called Heaven Is For Real: LIVE, Sunday School curriculum materials, and merchandise emblazoned with the face of Jesus (painted by Akiane Kramarik, a young Lithuanian girl who experienced a similar near-death visit to Heaven and who now creates portraits of a blue-eyed Son of God in the style of

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Transcendence Review

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It turns out that unregulated technology in the hands of one person will eventually become problematic on a grand scale. And if you thought that handing the unregulated technology over to one-dead-person-turned-artificially-intelligent-phantasm would circumvent human error and power-mad hubris, you were wrong. It will be perfectly unsurprising if you are unsurprised by that news.

Transcendence would like to be the film that refreshes that vintage sci-fi story by laying down some Inception-style mindfreaking. To that end, Oscar-winning Inception (and Batman Begins and The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises) cinematographer Wally Pfister makes it his directorial debut and flocks the narrative with luxuriously freaky visuals and Johnny Depp as a floating head inside a computer.

Shot with a radioactive bullet by an anti-tech terrorist group, genius computer dude and TED-talker Will Caster (Depp) finds himself slowly dying. His wife and colleague Evelyn (Rebecca Hall) devises a plan to adapt Caster’s research, keeping him "alive" by uploading his brain to a supercomputer. Much like in Spike Jonze's Her (and in the lives of everyone who communicates exclusively via cellphone), Evelyn maintains her marriage via constant interaction with Caster's digital image and a handful of analog symbols of their love (vintage vinyl records, mostly). A true living-deader, Caster can think, access much-needed research funding, eat the entirety of the internet and push medical science forward by helping wounded people regenerate their flesh. He's a secular resurrection story and he comes in peace, just not for long. Those regenerated people aren't fully "there" anymore.

And then everything goes wrong all around. The plot details of that wrongness are better left unspoiled, but Transcendence's turn toward a struggle for the physical and intellectual destiny of all human life spoils itself all the same with internal confusion, an unwillingness to push past sci-fi cliché and a retreat into action-thriller sameness when it’s time to wrap it all up. Whatever the bigger picture was supposed to be, it got smallered, maddeningly so.

Good thing nobody told Rebecca Hall. Read through her character's actions, Transcendence isn’t science fiction at all, but a story of spousal grief, denial and the inability of a surviing partner to mourn and move on. Pfister surrounds her with a frame full of darkness and we become as intimately connected to her pain as we are disconnected from Depp’s checked-out non-performance (in his defense, he is playing a disembodied head with a brain-suitcase full of 110110000111100). She's the heart in a machine that's lost its way. Maybe somebody should try turning it off and turning it back on again.

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RoboCop Review

she told me, which was enough of a review to convince. Then we saw RoboCop. And she was right. It was about something, a not-so-stealth protest film, wrapped in extreme violence and brutal humor, all punk rock qualities. Verhoeven, working from a script by Edward Neumeier and Michael Miner, rocket-launched movie violence against real-life violence and fake authoritarian stupidity against the birth of creeping, contemporary fascism. He’d seen World War II up close as a child in The Netherlands and those reverberations worked their way into this mainstream Hollywood action movie. 1987’s methodology may seem heavy-handed or dated as seen in the light of 2014, but we still didn’t need a remake.

So here’s the remake. And it’s not necessary. But it’s trying.

The story runs roughly along the same track. An uncorrupted cop (Joel Kinnaman) is destroyed by his job and rebuilt as a robot, becoming a perfect crime-stopper but losing his humanity in the process. He must assert his personhood and regain what soul remains in his new machine body while, at the same time, battling evil criminal and corporate forces against the backdrop of a hellish Detroit. Satirical humor takes a back seat, only rising to the surface thanks to Samuel L. Jackson’s wild-eyed portrayal of a take-no-prisoners, Extreme Patriotism TV pundit.

But early reports of a politics-free RoboReboot were wrong. Director Jose Padilha’s (Elite Squad) strength may be his muscular action sequences, but the Brazilian filmmaker is something more than a hack for hire. Embedded in this update from screenwriter Joshua Zetumer are nods to the insidious, soothing nature of corporate domination, the future-is-now nightmare of drones as street-level

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Winter's Tale Review

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Bad Movies don’t just happen, you know.

Genuine Bad Movies, the kind that endure, take a lot of weirdness and a lot of hard work and mistakes and rigorous attention to making terrible decisions. All of those decisions must be fully and completely wrong and all of them must be perfectly timed. The finished product, if it wants to exist in a longterm state of Bad Movie grace, has no choice but to come about as the result of ineptly calibrated systems of variables and a little bit of anti-magic. Only then can the Bad Movie congeal into a wiggly Jello mold of garbage-flavored pleasure.

Winter’s Tale, the story of a young burglar (Colin Farrell, 38 and playing 21) and his love for an illness-ravaged young heiress (Jessica Brown Findlay, Downton Abbey's doomed Lady Sybil), enacted against a supernatural backdrop of demons, angels and miracles, is almost that kind of Bad Movie. It certainly aims for the anti-magic.

But to explain why it only hits the

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Endless Love Review

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Endless Love was a 1979 Scott Spencer novel with an ironic title. It featured a young couple in love and in trouble who wound up realizing that love was not always, in fact, endless. Then it was a 1981 movie about obsession and late homework and arson and icky family sex voyeurism. It starred Brooke Shields at the height of her teen fame, when hyper-horny late 70s pop culture and designer jeans marketing campaigns collided with the film industry, and together they all used her as a research subject for an experiment in just how far business could push the public into responding, cash-wise, to images of extremely sexualized underage girls. At the same moment it was a Lionel Richie/Diana Ross love duet that celebrated a kind of love not actually depicted in the film, a song that dwarfed its accompanying movie in popularity. It also dwarfed all other songs that had the misfortune to be on the radio at the same time.

Now it’s a movie again, one seemingly based on the song’s lyrics and not the problem-filled original book or film adaptation. Unlike those thorny objects, the song's lyrics leave no room for doubt or wavering or half-feels. They build and build as Ross and Richie one-up each other in a contest of harmonizing, more or less throwing each other into the air like a pair of acrobatic figure skaters who know they can never fall and crash. It’s sonic religious mania, except it’s about losing your secular virginity on a bed made of marshmallows. You’d never know it was the theme song to a movie where the boyfriend deliberately sets the girlfriend’s house on fire just so he can fake-rescue her.

This idiot-child of a remake is committed to a vision of non-awkward adolescent romance and perfect white skin and wavy hairstyles. It corrects all that old creepy stuff and focuses squarely on pretty things behaving prettily. Working-class David (Alex Pettyfer) and rich princess Jade (Gabriella Wilde), young lovers who meet at high school graduation and almost immediately begin making out, spend quite a bit of time stealing away for tasteful, PG-13 humps with one another when they aren’t frolicking at teen parties that seem to center around soft drinks and games involving impromptu dance choreography. It’s a way to spend a summer.

David’s mechanic father (Robert Patrick) is chill about the arrangement; so is Jade’s mother (Joely Richardson), a wet-eyed cheerleader for teen fornication who rarely misses an opportunity to announce how

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About Last Night Review

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The multiple narrative possibilities of the choose-your-own-adventure story is probably not what anyone had in mind for this romantic comedy, which extracts its key components from David Mamet’s play Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the subsequent film version, 1986’s About Last Night, starring Demi Moore, Rob Lowe, Jim Belushi and Elizabeth Perkins. But it’s all here.

On the romantic comedy front, this update keeps it mostly tight. The characters, four single friends in Los Angeles falling in and out of bed and love with each other, are approximately realistic adults who spend their time yakking a blue streak to their best friends -- yet not necessarily to their romantic partners -- and hammering out more complex approaches to relationships than most simple-minded films in this genre ever allow. If it fails to fly at all times it’s because it runs into the same stumbling block seen in movie after movie featuring people in love

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3 Days to Kill Review

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Kevin Costner would like his share of the Neesoning, please, a chance to warm it up with a little late-middle-age movie star heat. Can’t blame him for that. Who wouldn’t want to be the king of Throat Punch February -- or at least the prince -- instead of letting that tall, Irish badass with

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Friday, 7 March 2014

Winter's Tale Review

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Bad Movies don’t just happen, you know.

Genuine Bad Movies, the kind that endure, take a lot of weirdness and a lot of hard work and mistakes and rigorous attention to making terrible decisions. All of those decisions must be fully and completely wrong and all of them must be perfectly timed. The finished product, if it wants to exist in a longterm state of Bad Movie grace, has no choice but to come about as the result of ineptly calibrated systems of variables and a little bit of anti-magic. Only then can the Bad Movie congeal into a wiggly Jello mold of garbage-flavored pleasure.

Winter’s Tale, the story of a young burglar (Colin Farrell, 38 and playing 21) and his love for an illness-ravaged young heiress (Jessica Brown Findlay, Downton Abbey's doomed Lady Sybil), enacted against a supernatural backdrop of demons, angels and miracles, is almost that kind of Bad Movie. It certainly aims for the anti-magic.

But to explain why it only hits the

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The Wind Rises Review

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Released for one week in New York and Los Angeles in December of 2013, in Japanese with English subtitles, master animator Hayao Miyazaki’s The Wind Rises returns to theaters for a wider American release with a large ensemble English language voice cast that includes John Krasinski, Emily Blunt, Martin Short, Elijah Wood, Darren Criss, William H. Macy, Stanley Tucci, Mandy Patinkin, Werner Herzog and, in the lead role of historical figure Jiro Horikoshi, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.


Wind is a gentle, sad film about a strange subject: artistic pursuit of purity and the beauty of form versus the often ugly realm of function. The story of Horikoshi, a pioneer of aeronautical design and the man who developed the Japanese Zero fighter plane used during World War II, it follows his life from childhood to adulthood during the war. His dreams figure prominently, woven into the narrative and inextricable from it, and in them he’s usually chaperoned by Italian aircraft designer Gianni Caproni, who pushes him toward the beauty of design. It's a place where young Horikoshi can remain pure, even as he goes to work, clear-eyed, for Mitsubishi to create machines that will be used in the service of death. At one point Caproni asks his troubled young friend if it would be better to live in a world without the great Pyramids, knowing they were built by slaves and, analogously, a world without flight to avoid war’s use of airplanes. And then the film refuses to weigh in with an answer even as it acknowledges the sorrow of its own moral dilemma.


Ethical ambiguity aside, Wind is a quiet, subtle and impeccable piece of animation for adults and thoughtful young people, and it's at its best when it allows its young artist the opportunity for creative discovery, moments he describes as

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Pompeii Review

Milo (Game of Thrones star Kit Harington), a Celt slave, is sent to Pompeii to be part of a fight-to-the-death Olympics, where he’ll be pitted against champion brawler Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) when not busy being ogled by effeminate fight organizer Graecus (Joe Pingue, serving pursed lips, curly forelock and limp wrist like an old-school exploitation pro) or getting groped for cash by rich Pompeii ladies. But along the way Milo helps Cassia (Emily Browning), the daughter of Pompeii’s richest family, put down her injured horse. Blank-stare love blooms.

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Non-Stop Review

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February goes out with a bang thanks to what has turned into an annual event: the Liam Neeson Is Going To Kill You movie. Kevin Costner can keep all of 3 Days to Kill’s warmly comedic father/daughter bike-riding tutorial sequences for himself, because in the world of the action film, family warmth is an outcome but never the focus. If anything it’s the sprinkles on top of the icing on top of the brutality cake, the state of well-being the hero comes home to after identifying, tracking, positioning and neutralizing miscreants. Any more than that is an unwelcome distraction. And there are no distractions in a Liam Neeson Is Going To Kill You movie. If you are a kidnapper, hijacker, terrorist, sex trafficker or murderer, you are going to be killed by Liam Neeson (exception: you are a wolf). This Liam Neeson Is Going To Kill You movie is on a plane.

Everything you’re allowed to know: Neeson plays a troubled Air Marshall on a transatlantic flight and he must find the person on board who keeps making good on a threat to murder a passenger every 20 minutes until $150 million dollars is deposited into a Swiss bank account. One more thing you’re allowed to know: the terrorist is also diabolically skilled at making Neeson look like the bad guy.

Everything else is what you’re not allowed to know. All the whys and hows and whos get doled out selectively and precisely, each bit of information piling up into a goofy, preposterous heap of plotting. The tightly enclosed space allows the audience to witness only a little more than Neeson himself can see, and most of that consists of a series of suspicious, sidelong glances from passengers and crew, any one of whom could be pulling the digital strings of a crime being announced via texts to Neeson’s phone. It’s a cast full of red herring character actors: the jittery flight attendant (Michelle Dockery), the other Air Marshall (Anson Mount), the hot-tempered cop (Corey Stoll), the chatty tourist (Scoot McNairy), the overly nice lady with the mysterious scar (Julianne Moore), the rude business traveler (Nate Parker), the British doctor (Omar Netwally) or the shifty co-pilot (Jason Butler Harner). Or maybe it’s the pilot himself (Linus Roache) or that last minute fill-in air hostess (Lupita Nyong’o). The only person completely rule-outable is the child (Quinn McColgan) and you’d be forgiven for having doubts about her.

Convenience and coincidence collide way too often here, as does the laughably improbable nature of the evildoer’s scheme when it butts up against fairly well-documented information about the nature of commercial airliners in distress. But theater seat bloodlust doesn’t care; it hungers for thrills and vengeance dispensed in equal measure and here is where that hunger is happily, crazily sated. Besides, this is not the real world or even an approximation of it; it’s a universe governed by physical laws that allow for a sixtysomething badass to defy turbulence while catching, aiming and successfully firing a loaded gun as it floats through the air

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Son of God Review

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Christians, I’m talking to you. And you deserve better than this.

I’m going to assume that you’re the audience who’ll pay for tickets to this movie, a multi-part miniseries chopped down to feature length (with a little new footage), one that already aired on basic cable last year and is readily available on DVD. And I get why church groups have bought out entire theaters for its opening weekend. It’s about representation. Specialty audiences, no matter who they are, are hungry to see their lives, values and concerns depicted on the big screen, even if it means spending money and traveling to see something they could just have easily stayed at home to watch.

But shouldn’t Christian filmmaking, if it’s going to be a regular part of the culture and routinely show up at the multiplex as something more than a novelty event like this, do more than pander and reach for the squarely unimaginative middle? Shouldn’t a contemporary retelling of the life of Christ, one that follows in the footsteps of movies like The Greatest Story Ever Told and The Gospel Road (my personal favorite, thanks to on-camera chaperone Johnny Cash), strive for the kind of artistic quality worthy of its mission? And shouldn’t the high drama inherent in this particular narrative create sparks no matter how familiar the final act?

Maybe you just answered

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300: Rise of An Empire Review

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It’s all fun and games fighting in the Greco-Persian Wars until you have to chill on the warrioring for a bit while the lengthy introductory narration tells the audience a lot of nothing. Or until a horse stomps on your face. But after that stuff’s out of the way the games can begin.

And by games I mean the ones where a bejeweled, caped and man-kini’d sorta-god Xerxes (a crazily unrecognizable Rodrigo Santoro), whose eyes have

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Mr. Peabody and Sherman Review

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They didn’t ruin Mr. Peabody and Sherman.

They could have. It’s not like anyone under, oh say, 50 remembers the original Jay Ward television cartoons that aired in the 1960s and lived again through 1970s reruns, or even would have cared if this feature film adaptation from Lion King director Rob Minkoff and screenwriter Craig Wright had re-branded the characters to fit comfortably within the low-standards niche of contemporary children’s entertainment. It didn’t have to be smart or funny to make its buck. But surprise

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Saturday, 8 February 2014

Labor Day Review

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Guys, it's fine to just go out and kinda-sorta kidnap the lady you love. In fact, you don't even have to know her or love her yet. You can just pick one, force youself on her, tie her up and put any children she may have in danger; it's chill. She will not mind one bit as long as deep down you're really a nice person.

Welcome to Labor Day, based on the novel by Joyce Maynard, a novel I have not read but that I'll just assume was as nuanced in its explorations of control and loneliness and bizarre, desperate behavior as this adaptation is not.

It's 1987 and Frank (Josh Brolin), serving time for a murder he didn't exactly mean to commit, has busted out of prison. He takes it on the lam to a local discount store where, with nothing but brutish force of will and no weapon (?!) he manages to bully depressed, divorced mom Adele (Kate Winslet) and her young son Henry (Gattlin Griffith) into helping him escape in their wood-paneled station wagon. Once at their home, he ties them up for appearances and sets about handymanning his way into their hearts.

The prison he was in must have had a hell of a rehabilitation program because Frank is a master of auto repair, carpentry, chili prep, mopping, laundry, furnace-fixing, the rhumba, gutter-sweeping, ironing, grilling, sex, baseball tutorial and pie-making.

It's the latter skills that really seal his position as New Daddy, though. As he assists young Henry -- now freshly re-named Hank for maximum male bonding -- with his ability to choke-up on the bat for more hits, we learn that Frank also controls the sun, as shafts of golden light knock Winslet into a deep swoon. Later, he helps her make a pie in a scene as weirdly and hilariously not-erotic as that pottery wheel moment in Ghost. Then he forks her crust. Not making that up. That the kid is involved in the group pie-love just makes it more uncomfortable.

Frank is a gallant misunderstood murder-guy in a judgmental goofus world and this can only end tragically for all. Or can it? Without giving away the sweeping absurdity of every single scene, suffice to say that enduring for true love takes a lot of extremely weird, laughable shapes. Screenwriter/director Jason Reitman has clearly made something he believes in here, adapting Maynard's book with an eye toward tenderness and wonder. But it's really just a wonder that anyone will be able to watch it with a straight face.

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That Awkward Moment Review

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Sometimes films based entirely on medium-strength flashes in pop culture's pan come along, asking for your time. Almost without exception these are movies that stake their flag on a disintegrating hill. That's how we wind up with Roller Boogie (disco music plus roller-skating), Heavenly Bodies (competetive aerobics), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (see title). And then we have those films forever, baffling -- yet still oddly valuable -- objects as lessons in junk-film history.

But the flashes are getting smaller and, somehow, even less resonant. Now it's enough if your movie is named after something that was popular for a moment on the internet, like LOL, the Miley Cyrus-starring remake of a French film with the same title, for example, or this male-centered romantic comedy that's barely about awkward moments but that takes its meaningless name from a tepid little internet meme. It could be called anything, really, and would perhaps be more accurately known as Dudes Can Do Anything They Want And It's OK. Based on what does down in its hundred minutes, that's what it's really about anyway.

Zac Efron, Michael B. Jordan and Miles Teller are three twentysomething bros in Manhattan (shockingly large, art-filled apartments borrowed from the cast of Friends) who decide to remain single. They're very young so they think themselves bold for coming up with this. And their pact, fittingly, features all the formality and gravity attending a decision made at a street corner holding paper cups from Starbucks. Jordan's a doctor whose wife (Jessica Lucas) is banging a new guy and wants a divorce, Teller is falling for his rich-girl pal (Mackenzie Davis) and Efron hooks up and discards a new co-worker (Imogen Poots) before realizing he's actually smitten. So many knotty problems. Sure hope male privilege hasn't taken the day off or else this could get complicated.

Oh good, it's still on the clock. That's why Teller and Efron, the world's laziest "chick-lit" book cover designers, manage to work wizard-magic on every single woman at their in-house publishing job by talking about Louboutins in a pitch meeting. The women nod their heads, smirking knowingly, tingling deep down in their lady-zones that a scruffy, handsome man has their number with the whole shoe-lust thing. "I love it," says their tough, female boss.

And that's why these men can use women as props in their hijinks and prostitute-based misunderstandings and not experience anything resembling a consequence. That's why they can go to their love-target's job and wreak havoc and come away from it smiling. That's why they can attend a party with a dildo hanging out of their pants (one purchased from a New York City sex shop that allows haggling) and turn everyone there into their fan because they're so wacky. That's why they can free-spiritedly steal property from a house a real estate agent is showing them and never feel the heat of the law.

It's also why this film can be lazy with comedy and logic and humanity. It can make tired dick jokes -- there are never enough of those, just ask Last Vegas -- and equate a childless marriage with failure and, later, demand the audience take the flimsy pact seriously as a cry for men's bonding. ("I want my friends back together," pleads Efron, nearing what would love to pass for a third act moment of heft; one problem, though, when were you apart?)

That's why it can play Backwards Day with every emotion it attempts to tackle. That's why it can freely get everything wrong -- women, men, relationships, jobs, apartments, sex toys, literary fiction, Thanksgiving, urination -- and still believe itself charming. That's why no fewer than five first-draft-quality scenes where characters simply wrap up the dispute by calling each other "idiot" are allowed to remain in the finished product. For the record, here are those lines of dialogue: "Idiot!" and "You're an idiot." and "You're a f

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The Lego Movie Review

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The Lego Movie -- but probably not the actual Lego company -- is having an argument with itself. In one corner of its philosophical boxing ring are the "free jazz" Legos of olden times, the kind that arrived blueprint-less in the hands of children, no finished version pictured on the box pointing the way to their correct usage, the kind even a dummy could play with properly provided s/he didn't try to swallow them first; this mindset is represented here by the character of simple-brained Emmet (the voice and doofus energy and Parks and Recreation aura of Chris Pratt). More about him in a moment.

In the other corner are the countless specialized puzzle sets of officially licensed tie-in product, like the pirate ship set or the gender-constructed, pink-bricked Disney princess sets or, guessing, eventually, the The Lego Movie set or, on a more adult level, the hot-hot-hot $400 Star Wars Death Star set, meant to be enjoyed by anyone with the patience, instruction-reading ability and disposable income to burn. In The Lego Movie, this is the world in which Emmet exists, an atmospheric Goliath no tiny, chill-bro David with a Free to Be You and Me attitude can knock down. On a corporate level, that's still a pretty comfortable perch from which to allow the film to obsess all it wants over the war on childhood creativity.

Emmet is a type currently trending, the Idiot Hero devoid of specialness until forced by circumstances to step up his game. A construction worker whose personality-free life allows his own co-workers to forget him entirely, Emmet is still happily clueless and sings along daily to the ironically titled, group-think anthem "Everything Is Awesome" (and he does this for hours at a time). Emmet is also The Special, the one prophesied to battle the evil, conformity-driven Lord Business (Will Farrell) inside an all-Lego world populated by Lego Batman (Will Arnett), Lego Shaquille O'Neal (Shaquille O'Neal), Lego C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and a rebellious Lego warrior named Wyldstyle (Elizabeth Banks). And Gandalf and Abraham Lincoln and pirates and Shakespeare. With Morgan Freeman. And Liam Neeson.

In other words, the pre-planned play sets have invaded each other's territory because, the film asserts, no amount of boxed separation can, in the end, limit a child's imagination. So with Emmet as that adult-child leading the way, the colored plastic bricks cross every boundary. You can thank on-fire directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller (21 Jump Street, Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs) for continuing the practice they've begun, one of throwing everything into the air at once to see where it lands and letting the stuff that floats just float on. They've arrived at the precisely perfect moment in animation's march of normalizing the weird, one that encourages Pixar-quality visual extravagance and allows for the sort of somewhat irreverent, laid back comic storytelling employed by entities like Robot Chicken and The Cartoon Network. It's a world where it feels like stoners are inventing stories for children and/or adults not immune to the charms of talking slices of pizza.



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The Monuments Men Review

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They don't storm the beach at Normandy, these art-expert soldiers, they casually walk ashore, striding toward their mission as they would if they were visiting the Met.

That mission (one that really took place) is to rescue the great art treasures of Europe, the ones Hitler seized and secreted away in mines with a view toward opening a Fuhrer Museum in Austria after he laid claim to all the power in the world. Failing that, he planned to destroy every last painting and sculpture. Enter the Monuments Men, a team of American/Allied academic art and architecture experts, here played by Matt Damon, John Goodman, Bill Murray, Bob Balaban, The Artist's Jean Dujardin, Downton Abbey's Hugh Bonneville and director/co-writer George Clooney. These guys are jaunty.

So is the film, and weirdly so. But that's kind of understandable given the nature of Clooney as a filmmaker. Over the course of his acting career he's built a public persona as America's thinking-man's man, your favorite handsome bachelor uncle, the one who scores with the ladies and urges you to read great books. He wants you to take him seriously but not too much. And this is good of him. It's nice having a National Coolness Treasure. But when that spills over into his directorial work it can sink everything.

This is a film, after all, about an extremely dark moment in 20th century history, one that wants to convince contemporary audiences that risking lives in the hunt for a priceless statue of The Madonna and Child was worth anyone's time or effort (and there are no fewer than four heart-stirring mini-speeches about the gravity of that task, not to worry). But when much of the rest of the action consists of Bill Murray comedy-squabbling with Bob Balaban -- and for what reason, exactly? Who are these guys again and do they really hate each other? And why? -- or Matt Damon mangling the French language and stepping on an amusing landmine, or the men slowly saving treasure after treasure with no real trouble getting in their way while Alexandre Desplat's score happily whistle-marches itself over the bridge on the River Kwai, it's probably a bad idea to suddenly lurch the action into abrupt death, emotional arm-twisting, or the Shoah-lite moment of finding a barrel full of the gold fillings of tens of thousands of slaughtered European Jews. If a movie could be wrung by the neck and forced to pick a tone, this one would be in for some rough treatment.

But you're in luck, art aficionados and World War 2 cinema enthusiasts. There's a great film about this subject you can sit down and watch right now. It stars another man's man, Burt Lancaster, and it was directed by John Frankenheimer and it's as exciting and tense and meaningful as this one is slack and confused and bumbling. It's 1964's The Train. Get on it.

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Vampire Academy Review

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There's a special kind of unhappiness that attends a very bad film made by people who have known better and done much, much better, people who've made movies you don't just like, but love. That's the case with this project's main men: Daniel Waters, who wrote Heathers, and his brother Mark Waters, who directed Mean Girls. And while they've both been involved in other movies that weren't nearly as resonant as either of those sardonic teen comedies, just saying their names out loud is enough to make you think that teaming them up for yet another stomp through bad-attitude adolescence is a perfect idea, no matter how derivative the source material they're adapting may be.

How derivative? Vampires, that's how. Just in case you were still not getting enough of those contemporary YA lit staples thrown at you all the damn time. Or magic at a highly specialized private school, another under-represented area of fictional endeavor. At this point in the history of paranormal subject matter, when all mythologies have been convoluted and blown open to the point of parody, attempting parody by grafting your own best work onto the re-animated corpse of these two overworked revenue sources and dunking it all in a Pretty in Pink bath might seem like a great idea, a way to devour the silly goth-animal that's already chasing its own tail right into a black velvet-lined irrelevancy. Because, sure, vampires, I know, but then again because Mean Girls! Heathers! They have to weigh more, yes?

Nope.

The plot isn't simple but it involves teen vampires known as Moroi, protected by a specialized class of supernatural half-human helpers known as Dhampir. The Dhampir must shield the Moroi from the bad news Strigoi. Specifically, it concerns Dhampir Rose (Zoey Deutch, daughter of Pretty in Pink director Howard Deutch, hence all shout-outs -- Ducky! -- cutely nestled into the plot and dialogue) and Moroi princess Lissa (Lucy Fry). They're symbiotically connected as protector and protectee, food-friend and feeder. Initially on the run from their own hellish Hogwarts, they're captured and dropped back into high school drama, with all the cattiness, backstabbing, slut-shaming and vampire ninja battles that entails.

The girls just wanna have a strange blood-version of fun but the boys are jerks and the other girls are jerkier, the parents just don't understand, the teachers won't leave them kids alone and the poor, misunderstood evil Strigoi just need to please please please get what they want, which is to destroy all these annoying kids. Will it happen at the big dance? And after everyone is done fighting and silver-staking instead of dancing will love finally bloom between Rose and her trainer Dimitri (Danila Kozlovsky) or Lissa and her brooding Christian (Dominic Sherwood), the Moroi with the Strigoi parents?

The answer doesn't matter. Everything new here is old again, slinking around in the shadows of past glories, avoiding the sun, trying to cast a franchise spell. The quips and smart-ass banter were funnier, sharper and smarter when they did all this the first couple of times, but the powers that be are counting on you not caring or being too young to remember. And that means it was probably out of the Waters' hands from the moment they signed on, The Weinstein Company being notorious for taking films away from filmmakers. Delay the release, test market the thing into shapelessness, chop away the stuff that's over your target demo's collective head, drain all the blood from whatever creative vein was formerly pulsing with life. Take the money and run, sequel or no. Sucks, really.

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